A few notes

Its hard to be vegetarian.
Its hard to be stupid.

I am so glad I am only the first one (every other week ;) )

Vent

I usually don't complain much. If I do it isn't in person. But today I feel overloaded.... and I don't feel like I have anyone to tell this to.

I think the reason why I don't go out much whether to homecoming or to the movies isn't because I am never invited (though the invites are starting to stop) but rather because I am afraid of facing facts. When I wake up next to a friend and we get up and I talk to their mom. Their mom asks me about my mom and I say "She does her thing, I do mine, and when it interferes with her's she lets me know" it really depresses me. It makes me realize I really have never fit in anywhere.

I have always known I am an unwanted child. My mother got pregnant when she was just getting out of high school. My biological father never wanted me really. He was the first person to ever abandon me. He told me recently that he wished he would of manned up and became a proper father. He tries making up for what mental anguish he has caused but he is too late. His emails are nice but they don't bring me a real dad.

Steve, who likes to call himself my dad, is not the crappiest person but is really close. Steve and I have never gotten along. We have tried therapy twice. We have tried just hanging out but the truth is - I don't think he knows how to love. Everything with him is material. He can't just have a conversation or even hug his own daughter (my sister). He has always shown favoritism towards her. I have always been second best. And to top that off, he thinks I am the average teenager: uneducated, vain, and inexperienced. Tell me I am uneducated after you hear that I was the first one to realize he was having an affair. "I love you, bye." - that's how I knew. He doesn't even tell his daughter he loves her and at the time he didn't even tell my mom. And then when we began therapy for the second time (he would tell me that he didn't like my therapist, I don't know about you but since she was my therapist, shouldn't it be me who decides whether I keep going to her?) when I told him I was scared of him - he laughed. I tried reaching out and making something work with him but he would end up being the second person to abandon me. Homophobic bastard.

I used to have some I could tell this all to. I think because she left and had a baby, she changed and I lost that person. Sometimes I feel she left because life here wasn't good enough, because I wasn't a big enough reason to stay. I know it isn't true, but it feels like it sometimes.

I blame myself for a lot of things. Not spending enough time with a dying man is one of the biggest ones. He was my dad. He was so important to my life. I wanted him to walk me down the isle, I wanted him to see my children. I wanted him to be there when the parents walk the seniors down the Marching Band field and at graduation. But he died. And I miss him so much. I think it is maybe every other week I break down and cry over him- like I didn't cry enough the first few months he was gone. My grandpa, one of the greatest guys in the world, gone. And I still regret never telling him... I had so many chances to tell him but I never did. He wouldn't walk me down the isle to a man. My boyfriend in high school wouldn't be a boy...

To top that off, my mother acts like a teenager. With her boyfriend all the time. Never home when she is supposed to be. I should know to make dinner 10 minutes later than usual because she will be late by at least 15. And recently she told me that she had an affair too! It wasn't as big as Steve's (he would have a woman come to his office to do the nasty etc) but she still did. How can I forgive her when I still can't forgive Steve? How could I ever go into a relationship now, knowing my "original" parental figures are both cheaters? Sometimes I wonder how I trust at all. I don't want to grow older and realize one day that I don't trust the person I have been married to for 5 years.

Well, I think almost all of that is out of my system.
With love
Albus

What day am I on again? haha

I just came home from Aberforth's (my brother). My arms are sore and I really wish I had a dog. I think the reason I want a dog so bad is because I get lonely often. Something about having a dog lets you know you are safe. They are the companion I would want if I were walking alone in the woods or if there were a fire in my house. My cat is annoying too. There is an underlying hope that the dog will catch and kill the cat or at least maim her voice box.

Also, I don't know why but I find myself spiraling into poisoning myself again. I don't know why I fall into unhealthy relationships and don't get out. Sometimes I wonder if I think I deserve them... Maybe I am a little too sadistic...

Well now is the time I say good bye and type something for three hours, totally forget to feed myself, and shower.

bye,
Albus

Day 3.

Gingivitis is a scary thing. It can increase your risk of heart attack/stroke as well as the obvious oral problems.
I have a very stressful life but I still find time to do the minimum of brushing twice a day. I use fluoride at least once and floss at least once. SO I don't understand why my gum line appears to be receding. I just don't understand how this could happen. The second I noticed my gums were looking funny I began paying more attention and being more though in my brushing. But my gums just keep getting worse! I need to go to the dentists and am due to go soon. I just hope that when I get there, it's not too late. I really want a smile that will last me until I am at least 90. I don't think I could handle being 20 with dentures (Unless they are the ice cubes that my grandma bought for Christmas. Ha ha!).

I think that is my one worry for today. Although a close second is a rumor going around school. Apparently I am having a friends-with-benefits relationship with someone I rarely talk to. In fact I don't ever want to talk to them again unless it is about the weather. I think the reason why I am so upset about that is because this girl was really special to me once and broke my heart multiple times. It also bugs me that people would think I would be so desperate to do the entire friends-with-benefits thing. I want a relationship. I want something real where I am not doing all the work. I want her to love me as much as I love her. I want a HEALTHY and HAPPY relationship. Kind of like the one my great-grandparents have- 90 and still holding hands, making jokes about little things, yet still loving each others' flaws...

Well, bye

Albus

Day 2

Today I realized something. I really want a bra that does the supporting for me... I walk home almost everyday going "Dang, I wish my back didn't hurt!" and it hit me. If bras were made to hold them up, why does my back still hurt? And I realize not everyone has Ds or bigger, but I have always been around women with larger breasts and they aren't supported by their bras either....

Now is your chance boys, go out and make a bra that WORKS and looks sexy. Not only will women love you but also you get to work with boobs for a while. Plus money is an added bonus. Just saying...
Albus

Day 1

Hello everyone, (even though for a while I will be talking to myself.... eek! ) this  is my blog. I guess I will start by saying that I really am complex and a little different. Today I was thinking I would be going to school and doing important things like painting and wearing a toga. But alas, no.

I think the purpose of this blog will be to vent and share a little about myself. Maybe even promote my art/ writing.

I am not the teenager most would assume. I am not religious and don't think I ever will be. I am gay. And I want nothing more in this world than to succeed in music and build a living family. But most of all, I have never been bratty: I know life will only hand me what I earn, and even then- sometimes what you earn is not what life gives you. But I keep going..

Well, Happy V day everyone.
Albus