Vent

I usually don't complain much. If I do it isn't in person. But today I feel overloaded.... and I don't feel like I have anyone to tell this to.

I think the reason why I don't go out much whether to homecoming or to the movies isn't because I am never invited (though the invites are starting to stop) but rather because I am afraid of facing facts. When I wake up next to a friend and we get up and I talk to their mom. Their mom asks me about my mom and I say "She does her thing, I do mine, and when it interferes with her's she lets me know" it really depresses me. It makes me realize I really have never fit in anywhere.

I have always known I am an unwanted child. My mother got pregnant when she was just getting out of high school. My biological father never wanted me really. He was the first person to ever abandon me. He told me recently that he wished he would of manned up and became a proper father. He tries making up for what mental anguish he has caused but he is too late. His emails are nice but they don't bring me a real dad.

Steve, who likes to call himself my dad, is not the crappiest person but is really close. Steve and I have never gotten along. We have tried therapy twice. We have tried just hanging out but the truth is - I don't think he knows how to love. Everything with him is material. He can't just have a conversation or even hug his own daughter (my sister). He has always shown favoritism towards her. I have always been second best. And to top that off, he thinks I am the average teenager: uneducated, vain, and inexperienced. Tell me I am uneducated after you hear that I was the first one to realize he was having an affair. "I love you, bye." - that's how I knew. He doesn't even tell his daughter he loves her and at the time he didn't even tell my mom. And then when we began therapy for the second time (he would tell me that he didn't like my therapist, I don't know about you but since she was my therapist, shouldn't it be me who decides whether I keep going to her?) when I told him I was scared of him - he laughed. I tried reaching out and making something work with him but he would end up being the second person to abandon me. Homophobic bastard.

I used to have some I could tell this all to. I think because she left and had a baby, she changed and I lost that person. Sometimes I feel she left because life here wasn't good enough, because I wasn't a big enough reason to stay. I know it isn't true, but it feels like it sometimes.

I blame myself for a lot of things. Not spending enough time with a dying man is one of the biggest ones. He was my dad. He was so important to my life. I wanted him to walk me down the isle, I wanted him to see my children. I wanted him to be there when the parents walk the seniors down the Marching Band field and at graduation. But he died. And I miss him so much. I think it is maybe every other week I break down and cry over him- like I didn't cry enough the first few months he was gone. My grandpa, one of the greatest guys in the world, gone. And I still regret never telling him... I had so many chances to tell him but I never did. He wouldn't walk me down the isle to a man. My boyfriend in high school wouldn't be a boy...

To top that off, my mother acts like a teenager. With her boyfriend all the time. Never home when she is supposed to be. I should know to make dinner 10 minutes later than usual because she will be late by at least 15. And recently she told me that she had an affair too! It wasn't as big as Steve's (he would have a woman come to his office to do the nasty etc) but she still did. How can I forgive her when I still can't forgive Steve? How could I ever go into a relationship now, knowing my "original" parental figures are both cheaters? Sometimes I wonder how I trust at all. I don't want to grow older and realize one day that I don't trust the person I have been married to for 5 years.

Well, I think almost all of that is out of my system.
With love
Albus